For the first time ever, I’m going to have a New Year’s resolution that I’m planning to keep. But before that I’d like to write about the first things that come to my mind for this year-end post of mine. These are things I can’t bring myself to tell anyone, so I’m keeping them stashed in my Tumblr instead.

The New Year’s of 2010 left me very sad and broken, sadness I’ve fought with for six months. I didn’t have too much promise left in me to keep on fighting since half a year’s worth of effort to come running back to my past seemed so tempting. Of course, there wasn’t much I could do about it. I could only really do what I did during that period of time: wait. Wait for something to happen. Wait for something significant to happen.

Guess what? Something significant did happen. Last March, all I’ve been hoping for came to me. This isn’t something I tell people willingly because it brings so many dark memories and so many opinions about myself that I’ve tried so hard to forget. With a text saying he wanted me back and he regretted even leaving me in the first place, I gave him a second shot. It somehow gave me hope that first loves could last, and I can make my friends eat what they have told me when we first broke up.

Talking to him in person for the first time in eight months reminded me of how happy I was when I was a sophomore. I remember whenever my classmates kept teasing me about him, I would look down to the ground to hide my blushing cheeks. I remember when he first held my hand. I remember hearing my heart break into a thousand tiny pieces when I knew he didn’t want the same things I did anymore. This wasn’t even the movie-exaggerated feeling I got—it was real. Everything was so horrifyingly real I’m surprised why I even gave him that second chance. But I did. And unconventionally, it seemed worse than the first one. 

Everything that was wrong about our first relationship was that we kept on fighting about a lot of things. Most of it was about my friends and how I resented him for thinking those things about my friends. All through sophomore year, I’ve loved being with my friends I cannot stand the kind of comparison he kept on making with the attention I give him and the attention I give my friends. We fought about everything until neither of us felt like fighting about anything anymore. The second time around was the exact opposite of that: we fought, yes. Not as worse, no. But there was this gut feeling I had whenever I told him I loved him.

I kept on listening to Avril’s Not Enough (from her studio album Goobye Lullaby) and I realized how much I didn’t want that relationship with him anymore. The funny thing though is that I can’t even bring myself to tell it to him. So instead I waited ‘til June until I read (yes you read that right, I read) from my phone the words I was so ready to tell him. I never told anyone how I really felt about him during that time because I was afraid it was all just some adjustment period I was in and it would make it real, but it was real. I’ve dreamt for so long of having him as my last dance during the prom, talking to him during our Chrismtas party, have him greet me on my phone on my birthday—I’ve dreamt for so long that when it finally came it no longer felt real to me. Now as I’m writing all of this I’ve dreamt of forgetting the hurt it no longer feels real to me anymore, either. 

Jason, it was a good three years and you’ve taught me so much about life and love I’m actually kind of thankful to have had you in my life. We can never really be friends because I felt you betrayed me when you can’t even grant me that one last talk in person but that’s just you. Goobye and good riddens old friend.

I discovered the up and down sides to travelling this year. This was the first time I was ever out of the region, so I never saw what the big deal was about travel. I thought pictures were enough but there was something about being in the place that gives travel a whole new meaning. Last May we went to Cebu, and we stayed in the most amazing place ever. In the morning you can see (and smell!) the freshly mown grass of the retreat. There were so many trees than I’d dare to count, and the view during the night was so breathtaking. City lights from up above is really something to see I’m glad I came along to the that trip.

I hate it when I get dumped just because my friend gets new friends. On that note, I also hate it when a difference in interests can create a big hole in a friendship. I never really liked “officially” having a best friend because officially calling him/her as your best friend might jinx it, and now you can see that it really did. 

We still have our laughing moments together, but without research there’s nothing really drawing us together as friends. If it weren’t for that major requirement we have for school we might end up ignoring each other for the rest of the school year. I’m still glad I share the same thoughts as she does and we still have our inside jokes to laugh about, but there are just some friends you need to let go when the time comes. That time is after graduation, I think. If I ever graduate. 

We only really began hanging out at the end of our freshman year. The thing that brought the two of us together was chorale where I forced her to join with me because I won’t have anyone to talk to and the whole of second year, where there was a lot of drama among best friends and boyfriends. It was a special time, that’s why I will always consider sophomore year to be the best year of my high school life. But apparently I also had to let go of that one either. Junior year was where we all fell apart. Not only for me and my best friend, but also among all of my friends. Tumblr became my confidante, and I have been saying some nasty things about my friends when I was only really driven by my jealousy and lack of judgment. Even though we remained as friends, we seemed to have divided into our personal groups, where I am somewhere in between.

Nette, the past three years with you were also amazing. The laughs we had together were unforgettable, and I even mean it. I loved how, in my perspective, you managed to become an adult and a child at the same time. I loved how childish you can get and on so many levels for that matter  but sometimes also despised when you went overboard with it. I love that we both love iCarly and you love the Sam-and-Freddie tandem so much. I love that we both love Avril Lavigne and we can relate to her punk rock songs together but most of all, I hate how KPop brought us worlds apart. It’s not something I can fix anymore. It’s not something I can even think of fixing anymore. The years were amazing, but apparently we weren’t meant to stay amazing the next few years together.

Being a senior taught me a lot of things, too. It taught me responsibility and the importance of a 5-millimeter pest. It taught me things like I can never blame my mistakes on anyone because whatever happens I’ve always done something that could have caused it. I can never blame my 1.9 averages on that boy who broke my heart because it was my choice to be affected by it over and over again. It taught me never to underestimate any subject—even CAT— because the damage they can make is sometimes more horrifying than you could ever imagine. 

2011 taught me the lessons all of the other years have—you can always have a new start, but without the will to you will end up in the same place you have been in before. College is a mere six months away and there will be a lot of distractions and your fair share of boy trouble (if you allow them to trouble your life yet again). I expect it to be like high school but with more expensive books (/le gossip girl lol), a whole lot of free time with a whole lot of time for lectures too. 

It’s the 1st of January, 2012. Notice the title? This post is so awesome I’ve been working on it since last year *ba dum tss* lol And tomorrow, the 2nd of January, UPCAT results will be released. UPCAT results will be released. UPCAT results will be released. It never dawned on me how fast the time went until today. You don’t have any idea how many gulps of Tanduay Ice I had to swallow just to digest that fact. Now my hands are shaky, my shoulders hurt and my eyelids feel like they’ve been carrying the world’s heaviest hollow blocks. I need a life.

For now, I’m going to work on Research and get my life going. Pass or not, I’m going to know what I’m going to do with my life. Diliman or Tacloban, I’ll weigh my choices before making any rush and major decisions. I have three months to know which one of the schools I will go into (since all of the results would have been released by then) and hopefully God will help in making the right decisions.

This Tumblr account meant a lot to me. I will open it occasionally, but for my New Year’s resolution I have chosen to live a new life. A lot has happened that this account has witnessed and I hate to let it go but I can’t stand how familiar this account seems to the people who know me in real life. I’ve always took comfort in the fact that I felt secure and not alone whenever I’m in Tumblr, but right now it feels like that security has been breached because my anonymity here on Tumblr isn’t so anonymous anymore. If ever I miss Tumblr, I’ll make a new account and rediscover it once again. For now, all of the things I’ve written is just about as honest as I can get and as honest as I’ll ever be.

This is (technically) my last post for 2011 and first and only post for 2012. Hi guys, my name is Ralen, and this is my Tumblr account :)

troubled:

coldplay- paradise (by pisceo)

asdfghjkllove:

THAT LITTLE MARK!!

damnicecold:

Elizabeth Báthory is one of the most prolific serial killers in all of history.

She was born into nobility and was highly educated but also very vain.

One day, infuriated, Elizabeth struck one of her servant girls so hard that some blood dripped from her face onto Elizabeth’s hand and she immediately thought that her skin took on a glowing freshness of her young maid.

Elizabeth believed she had found the secret of eternal youth. After this, women were abducted and hung upside down, while they were still alive and their throats were slit to prepare Elizabeth’s bath.

The Countess of Transylvania and four collaborators were accused of torturing and killing hundreds of girls, with one witness attributing to them over 650 victims, though the number for which they were convicted was 80. Elizabeth herself was neither tried nor convicted.